10 Lessons From Getting Dumped in a ‘Thriving Relationship’


Guest Blog by Elizabeth from Thriving Results Coaching

The Coach Gets Dumped, too!

Well, I (Elizabeth) just got dumped. Yes, it definitely happens even when doing everything “the right way!” What I mean is, I rigorously practice what I preach! This means that I use my relationship model. I stay on the lookout for when things aren’t working. I work to notice and resolve these things so that I can create a thriving partnership. Of course I make mistakes, and I am committed to cleaning up every single one of them along the way. That is practicing 100% ownership!

And, isn’t that the best thing ever!?! Yes, getting dumped! 

Here are the top 10 reasons why getting dumped is important to creating and having the relationship of your dreams:

Lesson number…

1. No one did anything wrong! 

He really is a wonderful man. The best one I’ve ever dated to date—Pun intended! There is absolutely nothing wrong with him, and I do love him. In fact, I respect him more for saying goodbye and honoring my time and space to move on. 

A good man does not always equal a good fit for a partnership. Every man I’ve dated since divorcing has been a good, down to their core, really, really amazing man. Breaking up DOESN’T mean someone did anything wrong!

In my most recent relationship, I  discovered another wonderful man who ended up NOT being a good fit for the partnership I am committed  to create! 

2. I get to keep learning and growing! 

Because he said goodbye, I won’t be dragged on for months or years trying to make something work that was never aligned to begin with. He provided me with the space to move on, grieve the loss of our love, and take care of myself. What a relief! 

3. Honesty is the best policy…even when it divides a budding relationship. 

Deep honesty means that I know my values and I honor them, regardless of what my partner ‘wants’ me to be or do. I demonstrate with my behavior what my real boundaries are. This helps turn off and repel the wrong partners. When I stuck to my boundaries, he saw that he didn’t feel comfortable with some of my boundaries.

4. I want to scare off the misfits! 

I want my values to be so clear and obvious that anyone who would object to them runs for the hills. This saves me the heartache and time I could have wasted on them. I want my way of ‘being’ to be so ‘loud that [he] can’t hear what [I’m] saying.’ I want to find someone who is committed to treating me in loving and supportive ways, and I want to find someone I can love like that too. That means that we can have a deep respect for the values and needs of one another, and neither of us need to sacrifice what matters to us. 

5. Dumping represents progress. 

I have a sticker on my water bottle that says, “Fail. Learn. Move on.”

I can look back and see how I grew from the good parts of the relationship.

I can look back and see what I can learn right now from what didn’t work, too. 

For example, what red or yellow flags can I identify now where I acted in a way that lacked integrity? Perhaps I let my boundaries slide when I was having fun, or perhaps I stopped honoring my needs when things were exciting. (Sleep… I need sleep!)

6. Being dumped can represent healthy boundaries! 

When we know something won’t work, we should stop doing it! I thank him for saying that this is over. He did me a favor in a healthy, respectful,and kind way. 

This principle applies across the board. As Paul Jenkins’ wife said, “Do more of what works; less of what doesn’t!”

So being dumped is actually healthy, for me in this instance. 

7. If you can’t wholly come to the table, you are at the wrong table! 

I do NOT back down on what deeply matters to me. I do NOT make do, compromise, or sacrifice any core value. I want to bring my best self fully to a thriving partnership. When that doesn’t work for the other guy, that is a dead giveaway that this isn’t going to last. 

8. Fail Fast—Fail Forward

Ending a relationship gives momentum, and we can choose to move into stagnant, slug-like performance, or to move forward into living with our whole hearts each moment. While, now I need to grieve. I will do it with my whole heart! And, I will move forward through grief. Grief provides the healing and learning and cleansing needed to create something new.

9. I just got a new lease on life.

Letting go of the future I expected and hoped for hurts… right before it provides a huge opening for creating a new future. I feel the space, and when I’m ready, I will explode into that new future and that new space. First, a little time for healing, please.

10. He really did me a favor and provided an important gift.

Thank you, Mr. Wonderful! Thank you for the time I got to enjoy with you in your life. Thank you for treating me with honor, and thank you for the times you didn’t honor me. Thank you for the conversations, and sharing your perspectives and your meals with me. Thank you for being so courageous that you would be honest with me when it wasn’t easy for either of us! I love you, and I wish you the best in life!

Those are the first 10 lessons I got from being dumped today.

None Were with Him

Gethsemene, Adam Abram 2008

Part of being single is having times when we all feel alone. In fact, Elder Holland addresses all of us at the very beginning of this talk. I don’t have a lot to say, as I feel his words express all that can be said about it so beautifully. Please listen and know that you are loved and that you have the capacity to love.

How to lose your self-esteem in 10 ways

Real Talk Raw Beauty Blog by Jess Self esteem
Real Talk Raw Beauty Blog by Jess Self esteem

Guest Blog by Jess Cameron of Real Talk Raw Beauty

There is a particular “something” every one of us is born with; and as we develop it supports us in all our endeavours to create, to risk, to dream, to dare, and to attempt. Without it, those endeavours become nearly impossible to accomplish. They might even become fears. The title of the post probably gave away what I’m talking about…our self-esteem.

I think of self-esteem as the combination of self-belief and an abiding sense of self-worth. Though we’re born with it, we can easily lose it. For some, we lose it very early on. For others, it can take many years of being beaten down until eventually fading into self-doubt.

Here’s 10 simple ways to destroy your self-esteem:

(I recommend doing the opposite – because you kinda need your self-esteem) 

  1. Try to fit in with a crowd that is nothing like you. We all want to belong, that instinct is primal and it won’t go away. When people say things like “I don’t care what anyone thinks of me”, I immediately know that person cares way too much what people think – or at least they did once and now they’ve calloused their self for preservation. There is nothing wrong with wanting to belong, it’s how we’ve survived all these years; by sticking together and looking out for each other. But there is a difference between belonging and fitting-in. Belonging suggests that people accept who you are, fully and completely, and so you trust you’ll always have a place with them. Fitting-in suggests that you’ve had to shape yourself to suit the likes and dislikes of the group, hoping you don’t get kicked out. If you’re trying to fit in, you’ll always be self-conscious and uneasy about your place in the group; you will never feel like you truly belong. Goodbye to self-esteem.
  2. Be with someone who shows you’re not their priority. Can you just NOT do this?! If you’re constantly feeling like second place, or third, or fourth, or way at the bottom of someone’s priority list – then you are probably right! They don’t really care about you, or at least not as much as they should to earn your undying loyalty. True love is being willing to put someone’s needs above your own. If you are with someone who refuses to do that for you, walk away (before your self-esteem runs away).
  3. Allow someone’s opinion of you to dictate your own opinion of you. If you are attempting to determine who you are based on what others say about you, then you’re going to have a very fickle image of yourself. You’ll never know who you truly are because that will change every time someone new says something about you. I’m not saying if people repeatedly tell you you’re selfish or mean that you shouldn’t evaluate; but be mindful of who you let draw the picture of YOU.
  4. Never make a decision. There are loads of funny memes about people who just can’t decide what to eat for dinner. The Ryan Gosling one? Lol. Most of us are master THINKERS and amateur DOERS. A very, very easy way to never trust yourself is to never make a decision. Usually people who can’t decide are people-pleasing (worrying about what others want), have a paralysing fear of being wrong, or totally lack confidence in their ability to make good decisions. I don’t care how small the decision is, just start making them! Get in to a habit of making them. Your confidence will build the more you realise you actually can figure things out on your own.
  5. Ignore your instincts, repeatedly. How many of you have ignored your instincts in the past, suffered the consequences of not listening to them, and now have a very hard time trusting yourself to not get in bad situations/relationships again? The irony here is that if you did trust yourself, you’d likely be making the right decisions! Your instincts are there to warn you and guide you, and not listening to them is the problem. Imagine what your life (and self-esteem) would look like if you listened to your instincts in every situation? Not your feelings, your instincts.
  6. Allow your body and your looks to define you. Looking “hot” is one of the most sought after goals in the world. And the pursuit of it can destroy self-esteem quicker than thirty seconds in the fire destroys your marshmallow! Listen, there will always be someone who is better looking than you, always. There will always be new “what’s hot” trends you’ll want to change yourself to follow. Remember when pencil thin eyebrows were in? And now it’s the thicker the better?…Yeah, my poor eyebrows are still trying to grow back in after all these years! If you’re known for your body and your looks, you will always feel the pressure of trying to keep your body and your looks up-to-date with what’s “in”. It will consume your life and take away from any actual beauty you do have.
  7. Obsess over all the traits you dislike about yourself and never take a compliment. When you’re obsessed with being perfect, all you can see is your flaws. Self-talk is the narrator inside you head that dictates your life. Is it positive or negative self-talk? Even trying to be humble by denying or deflecting compliments can have a massive negative impact on your self-esteem. You’re telling your subconscious you’re not worthy of compliments. What you tell yourself is what you’ll eventually believe and become.
  8. Compromise your values and YOLO your way through life. If you want to lower your opinion of yourself, sell out your values and morals. This one is becoming increasingly difficult in our social media age. Once upon a time you might have thought you’d never expose your body for attention, but now with the pressure to get followers and likes it becomes extremely difficult not to. Failing to be true to what is important to you will weaken your connection to your own sense of self. Over time, you may feel you don’t really know yourself anymore.
  9. Be emotionally dependent on others. A lot of us pride ourselves on being independent, but are we emotionally independent? Emotional independence is when you’re in control of your emotions, regardless of what others say or do. Being emotionally dependent is the opposite – when you allow your emotions to be swayed by others.
    Example 1) Someone makes an offensive remark. An emotionally dependent response would be to take the comment on board feeling bitterly hurt, and react accordingly. On the other hand, an emotionally independent person might choose to believe they didn’t mean to hurt (though untactful), and choose to brush it off. Maybe you’re thinking “what if they do mean to hurt me Jess?” No matter how bad, only you can let it hurt you. You are the one who lets it in, and lets it stay. Example 2) You’re waiting for a text from someone you have a crush on. Are you miserable all day while waiting to hear from them? When they finally do message, are you all of the sudden over the moon!? Can you identify emotional dependence now? Don’t let your happiness be decided by the actions of others.
  10. Constantly aim for perfection. Perfection is an impossible goal; one that will waste your energy, life, and self-esteem. Aim for progression, or for improvement, but let go of your need for perfection. The only outcomes this pursuit will produce are; 1) stopping you from doing what you dream or attempting to try because you need to be perfect first, 2) burning yourself out, 3) burning everyone else out trying to control them in the hope that nothing will ever go wrong. All outcomes = not good.
    Being a perfectionist is more often a result of low self-esteem. You either have something to prove about your worth to others or yourself, or you’re too scared of failing because of what that would say about you. Let go of perfectionism and you might find yourself…your imperfect, creative, daring self.

“Too many people overvalue what they are not, and undervalue what they are.” – Jack Canfield 

Real Talk Raw Beauty

Relationship Advice from Elder Holland

Elder Holland dating and relationship quote

We couldn’t say it any better than Elder Holland so we thought we would share some of our favourite bits of his wonderful advice in the talk below. We love that this advice is applicable to all relationships whether they be dating, family or friendships.

“How Do I Love Thee?” – Elder Jeffrey R Holland 1999

Our favourite bits:

I approach the subject knowing full well that, as a newly engaged young woman said to me just last month, “There is certainly a lot of advice out there!” … So perhaps all of you will forgive me for offering, yes, more advice. But I wish it to be scriptural advice, gospel advice. Advice, if you will, that is as basic to life as it is to love—counsel that is equally applicable to men and to women. It has nothing to do with trends or tides of the time or tricks of the trade but has everything to do with the truth.

So may I put your friendships and dates and eventually your marriages in a scriptural context this morning and speak to you of what I will try to communicate as true love.

The seventh chapter of Moroni tells us that this highest of Christian virtues is more accurately labeled “the pure love of Christ.”

And it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him [and her].

True charity, the absolutely pure, perfect love of Christ, has really been known only once in this world—in the form of Christ Himself, the living Son of the living God … As in everything, Christ is the only one who got it all right, did it all perfectly, loved the way we are all to try to love. But even though we fall short, that divine standard is there for us. It is a goal toward which we are to keep reaching, keep striving—and, certainly, a goal to keep appreciating.

And as we speak of this, may I remind you, as Mormon explicitly taught, that this love, this ability, capacity, and reciprocation we all so want, is a gift. It is “bestowed”—that is Mormon’s word. It doesn’t come without effort and it doesn’t come without patience, but, like salvation itself, in the end it is a gift, given by God to the “true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ.” The solutions to life’s problems are always gospel solutions. Not only are answers found in Christ, but so is the power, the gift, the bestowal, the miracle of giving and receiving those answers. In this matter of love, no doctrine could be more encouraging to us than that.

How do I love thee?

I have taken for a title to my remarks Mrs. Browning’s wonderful line “How do I love thee?” I am not going to “count the ways” this morning, but I am impressed with her choice of adverb—not when do I love thee nor where do I love thee nor why do I love thee nor why don’t you love me, but, rather, how. How do I demonstrate it, how do I reveal my true love for you? Mrs. Browning was correct. Real love is best shown in the “how,” and it is with the how that Mormon and Paul help us the most.

The first element of divine love—pure love— is its kindness, its selfless quality, its lack of ego and vanity and consuming self-centeredness. “Charity suffereth long, and is kind, [charity] envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own” (Moroni 7:45). I have heard President Hinckley teach publicly and privately what I suppose all leaders have said—that most problems in love and marriage ultimately start with selfishness.

A few great traits:

There are many qualities you will want to look for in a friend or a serious date—to say nothing of a spouse and eternal companion—but surely among the very first and most basic of those qualities will be those of care and sensitivity toward others, a minimum of self-centeredness that allows compassion and courtesy to be evident. “That best portion of a good man’s life [is] his … kindness,” said Mr. William Wordsworth. There are lots of limitations in all of us that we hope our sweethearts will overlook. I suppose no one is as handsome or as beautiful as he or she wishes, or as brilliant in school or as witty in speech or as wealthy as we would like, but in a world of varied talents and fortunes that we can’t always command, I think that makes even more attractive the qualities we can command—such qualities as thoughtfulness, patience, a kind word, and true delight in the accomplishment of another. These cost us nothing, and they can mean everything to the one who receives them.

I like Mormon and Paul’s language that says one who truly loves is not “puffed up.” Puffed up! Isn’t that a great image? Haven’t you ever been with someone who was so conceited, so full of themselves that they seemed like the Pillsbury Doughboy? True love blooms when we care more about another person than we care about ourselves. That is Christ’s great atoning example for us, and it ought to be more evident in the kindness we show, the respect we give, and the selflessness and courtesy we employ in our personal relationships.

In all that Christ was, He was not ever envious or inflated, never consumed with His own needs. He did not once, not ever, seek His own advantage at the expense of someone else. He delighted in the happiness of others, the happiness He could bring them. He was forever kind.

The quote we all know and love

In a dating and courtship relationship, I would not have you spend five minutes with someone who belittles you, who is constantly critical of you, who is cruel at your expense and may even call it humor. Life is tough enough without having the person who is supposed to love you leading the assault on your self-esteem, your sense of dignity, your confidence, and your joy. In this person’s care you deserve to feel physically safe and emotionally secure.

Members of the First Presidency have taught that “any form of physical or mental abuse to any woman is not worthy of any priesthood holder” and that no “man who holds the priesthood of God [should] abuse his wife in any way, [or] demean or injure or take undue advantage of [any] woman”—and that includes friends, dates, sweethearts, and fiancées, to say nothing of wives (James E. Faust, “The Highest Place of Honor,” Ensign, May 1988, 37, and Gordon B. Hinckley, “Reach Out in Love and Kindness,” Ensign, November 1982, 77).

If you are just going for pizza or to play a set of tennis, go with anyone who will provide good, clean fun. But if you are serious, or planning to be serious, please find someone who brings out the best in you and is not envious of your success. Find someone who suffers when you suffer and who finds his or her happiness in your own.

Temper tantrums are not cute even in children; they are despicable in adults, especially adults who are supposed to love each other. We are too easily provoked; we are too inclined to think that our partner meant to hurt us—meant to do us evil, so to speak; and in defensive or jealous response we too often rejoice when we see them make a mistake and find them in a fault. Let’s show some discipline on this one. Act a little more maturely. Bite your tongue if you have to. “He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city” (Proverbs 16:32). At least one difference between a tolerable marriage and a great one may be that willingness in the latter to allow some things to pass without comment, without response.

Endurance is the key

 Bear up and be strong. Be hopeful and believing. Some things in life we have little or no control over. These have to be endured. These are not things anyone wants in life, but sometimes they come. And when they come, we have to bear them; we have to believe; we have to hope for an end to such sorrows and difficulty; we have to endure until things come right in the end.

One of the great purposes of true love is to help each other in these times. No one ought to have to face such trials alone. We can endure almost anything if we have someone at our side who truly loves us, who is easing the burden and lightening the load.

People have differing capacities at different times and even different days in their lives. Together we need to monitor the load levels and be helpful in shedding or at least readjusting some cargo if we see our sweetheart is sinking. Then, when the ship of love is stabilized, we can evaluate long-term what has to continue, what can be put off until another time, and what can be put off permanently. Friends, sweethearts, and spouses need to be able to monitor each other’s stress and recognize the different tides and seasons of life. We owe it to each other to declare some limits and then help jettison some things if emotional health and the strength of loving relationships are at risk. Remember, pure love “beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things,” and helps loved ones do the same.

Final words

In Mormon’s and Paul’s final witnesses, they declare that “charity [pure love] never faileth” (Moroni 7:461 Corinthians 13:8). It is there through thick and thin. It endures through sunshine and shadow, through darkest sorrow and on into the light. It never fails. So Christ loved us, and that is how He hoped we would love each other. In a final injunction to all his disciples for all time, He said, “A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you” (John 13:34; emphasis added). Of course such Christlike staying power in romance and marriage requires more than any of us really have. It requires something more, an endowment from heaven. Remember Mormon’s promise: that such love—the love we each yearn for and cling to—is “bestowed” upon “true followers of Christ.” You want capability, safety, and security in dating and romance, in married life and eternity? Be a true disciple of Jesus. Be a genuine, committed, word-and-deed Latter-day Saint. Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does. How should I love thee? As He does, for that way “never faileth.”

Click HERE for the full talk